Timeless Antiques and Eccentric Customers
Join me in this week’s blog as we once again explore the bewildering trials and tribulations that antique dealers have to endure just about every working day! Imagine a world where you're caught between timeless antiques and eccentric customers, where time stands still and life feels like a scene from a vintage sitcom.
Picture this, you're standing amidst a sea of antique and vintage curiosities, your treasured stock resembling a Victorian-era cabinet of curiosities on steroids. An ornate gramophone sits next to a gaudy porcelain figurine, while a reproduction suit of armour threatens to outshine a collection of very creepy Victorian dolls. It's a visual wonderland and you're the captain of this ship, even though half the time you're wondering if you've accidentally bought the wrong stock for the wrong price at the wrong time!
Now, let's talk about the customers. Ah, the customers! They come in all shapes and sizes, with a variety of personalities that can rival the cast of a Shakespearean play. There's the ‘Bargain Hunter’, who insists she can get a Ming dynasty vase for the price of a cup of tea. The ‘Tyre Kicker’, who is only there to kill an hour while taking an enjoyable trip down memory lane as you look helplessly on. Then there’s the customer who stands at your door and says, “I can’t possibly come in, I’ll spend too much money!” Isn’t that the whole idea of having a shop you think to yourself. But all you can do is nod, smile and watch helplessly as they walk off, never to be seen again! And last but not least, let’s not forget about the Eccentrics, those glorious one offs who appear like magic in your shop and insist on speaking to the long dead spirits residing within your antique mirrors. You nod along, thinking, "Is this real life or a Monty Python sketch?" Trust me, I’ve seen them all and more! Oh, and the stories you hear from customers! From extraordinary tales of how an ordinary lampshade transformed into a genie's lamp, to the old lady who swears she can communicate with her late husband through that scratched and warped old phonograph, your shop becomes a confessional booth for the most bizarre beliefs. You listen, nod and occasionally exchange perplexed glances with your shop assistant, who's seen it all and probably deserves a sitcom spin-off of their own.
It has to be said that the daily practicalities of an antique dealer could rival a classic slapstick comedy show. Ever tried moving a gigantic Victorian wardrobe up a narrow flight of stairs without shredding the vintage flock wallpaper? Let's just say it involves more huffing, puffing, and inventive use of excruciatingly painful body positions than you'd read about in the Kama Sutra! And the dust! Oh, the dust that accumulates in your shop. It appears daily and only when you aren’t looking. Where does it all come from? Most mornings when you open up, you're left wondering if your vacuum cleaner is up to the task, or if you should just hire a team of archaeologists to excavate your shop.
Speaking of archaeology, let's not forget the archaeological dig that is otherwise known as your storage room. It's a treasure trove of forgotten artefacts, stacked precariously like a Jenga tower waiting for an excuse to topple. You're sure there's a hidden G-Plan coffee table back there somewhere, but you're too afraid to find out. Just when you thought you'd misplaced your sanity, by complete accident you uncover a long forgotten box of saucy vintage postcards that make you chuckle so hard you spill your coffee all over that priceless mahogany desk you had been sitting on. Been there, done that, bought the T-shirt!
But let's not get too bogged down in the chaos. There's a certain joy that comes from unearthing a forgotten gem, dusting it off, and finding a new home for it with someone who truly appreciates its history, will love it and give it a new home. It's like being a matchmaker for inanimate objects, and you're Cupid in a leather coat, beanie and a scarf! And when that rare customer walks in who actually wants to buy something and falls head over heels for that taxidermy squirrel wearing a top hat, yes, I have sold one, you know you've just made a magical connection between your customer and an inanimate object!
In the unlikely event someone is on the verge of making a purchase, let's talk about the bazaar-like negotiation dance that goes on. You're an antique dealer, not a mind reader, but you've mastered the art of interpreting a raised eyebrow as, "I'll take it!" and a dramatic sigh as, "I'll give you half the price, a bag of marbles and a half finished handwritten love poem about their partner." Every sale is a delicate balance between preserving the market value of your treasures and ensuring your bills gets paid. It’s a tricky dance to learn and probably one that none of us truly master.
In the end, the life of an antique dealer is a mixed bag of bewildering anecdotes, heart-warming connections and a constant state of, "what in the name of Queen Victoria's bloomers is happening?" You embrace the chaos, celebrate the oddities and keep chasing the thrill of discovering that one-of-a-kind piece that brings a smile to your face and hopefully a customer’s face. So, if you're up for a journey filled with dust, dreams and a dash of delightful madness, hop on the antique adventure train. It’s pulling out of the station. Just make sure to bring your sense of humour and a spare feather duster – trust me, you're going to need it! I suppose, at the very least, it’s better than working for a living!
So, next time you stumble upon an antique shop, spare a thought for the perplexed dealer who's there to guide you through the charming chaos and take a second to wonder at the magical tales hidden within its walls.
Happy antiquing!
